Last night I listened to an audio about acceptance and I was surprised that I wasn't in the frequency of this at all - and that I wasn't even proud of what have done… I was in a "I've failed" and a “I’m sick” frequency. I have not been accepting my wholeness- my humanity, my Divinity!
I realized that in accepting my life and who I am right now in this moment, pain and all, is enough and what a beautiful life it is.
For the past 5 years it has been drilled into me that I needed fixing, I needed to try harder, I needed to hustle more and that my dreams weren't big enough if they didn’t scare me. And that I had to do this all with a false sense of urgency. Since health was not just a given these past 4 months- this urgency seems ridiculous to me. I know what real urgency is now. Finally, when I did put my dreams and goals to paper, I felt a constant pressure to make them real, and when I didn't, I felt like a huge failure.
Hey, I totally think havings dreams and goals are awesome, but there was no plan for me other than to constantly try harder, no plan for me if I didn't make those goals (one of which was to retire my husband and another to open a school- um, yeah, I tend to think big apparently). Interesting that when I tried to go at it “harder” with more “urgency” my immune system completely collapsed. 4 months ago, my body and immunity started to fall apart.
I consider myself to be quite healthy. I eat well and take vitamins and practiced cleansing periodically. I did some exercise here and there and went for the occasional walk. I practiced affirmations a few days a week, at least. I didn’t realize until now though, that I had put a lot of pressure on myself to maintain my healthy image, and kept thinking, how could I be sick?
I had to take a real look at my entire life and the ongoing treadmill I was on. I wasn't tuning into my health at all-- I knew I had some issues (anemia, pathogens, panic attacks) … I really saw that I had no boundaries, that I set myself up to be on call 24/7 and that I needed more, more, more but I thought that it was just a part of life and the regular stress one goes through when running a home based business. And weirdly, I thought this was freedom because, well, I was making some decent money. Yet, I had no privacy and I was always on the go and I even felt guilty of my freedom and tried to fill my time with more courses, conventions, books and so on.
My friends and family were signalling to me that I had too much going on and yet, I didn't see them as friends if they couldn’t see that I had big dreams and my big big goals were important to the world. Thank God, some of those people stuck by me while my illusions kept me in a me-trance.
And this was all taught to me... That, if I push now, I will be free later. I was told that my real friends would be the ones who pushed me harder, wanted me to succeed and that I should leave the other friends behind, who didn't get why I wanted to be so successful or if they didn't have the things I wanted (house, car, money, fashionable clothes, latest gadgets, big dreams...) then I should find people who do have these things and hang out with them. Ug, this makes me a little nauseous even realizing how damaging this has been and how I see and hear other people doing and saying these things too.
I have even heard “leaders” say that they weren’t in business to make friends (yikes). I was told that I had to make sacrifices, like give up the things that made me happy, like dj'ing, going to festivals, or visiting with friends, even time with family, for the grind towards my big big big goals – my true-life purpose. As a side note- it’s important to know that I was then coached to put a dollar sign beside my big dreams and then asked why these dreams were important to me – which is a crafty tactic to get to my values (which, of course can be great to know and tune into) but the damaging part to that scenario was making my life purpose about money. See, this is why sales and / or convincing tactics or strategies can be scary in the wrong or inexperienced hands, because those people don’t actually care about (or are conscious of) the wake of their actions… because, well, these tactics work. Sadly, they are't yet aware how just a few words can ruin a life or send someone into a downward spiral.
And hey, I've stopped blaming other people, because they really thought they were helping. I had to forgive myself too, for allowing it. Blaming others or myself is low level energy, it’s heavy and wears a person down. It's completely useless.
Apparently, I was quite desperate for rich, successful, popular people to like me… and that is ok, I'm human, but let’s face it, it’s not healthy.
I know this is my life and no can make me do or be anything.
I am quite passionate about intervening this programming, this is a big part of what I teach - so, the wild part of this, is that when I was making the money, I was unconscious to my previous training on convincing strategies... although every now and then I would catch myself saying, "hmmm- something about that feels off about - oh well- push through it- shake it off - your getting closer to that cash reward".
Here's what I know to be true: Wwithout health, all the money and things are useless anyways right? The things I owned didn't make me feel better, I couldn't take trips anymore and the debt from high taxes and unpaid credit cards caused even more stress. I could hardly walk up the stairs, my body was swollen and I couldn't sleep due to heart palpitations so forget about crafts, parties, dj'ing, conventions and so on…
I always trust the process of life and what is meant to be (or at least try to the best way I know how). I also know that I am influencing my reality through my choices, my thoughts, consciously or unconsciously. I know there are still old stories and traumas playing out, old beliefs that are looping and that there is work with do there and I also stay open and flexible to how and when, and surrender to the rest. I have also decided that boundaries work best from a place of compassion and rootedness and I give myself a few moments or more, before responding to an email or saying yes or no to an invite.
So why am I sharing this?
To say that there is such a thing as burnout, and there is such a thing as adrenal overload and that the constant fight to be better, prettier, smarter, wealthier, skinnier and have more "freedom" or "have it all", is an illusion and is exhausting. It can lead many people to feeling less than. I see now how this has been programmed into us. It seems bizarre to me, that even people who don't run a business, feel the need to brand themselves or display their lifestyle on social media and we’ve become what our social media feed says we are- rather than person to person conversations and gathering for purposes other than hyping a product, business or recognition. Yes, I know, it’s all business. There’s got to be more to life than business (busyness) though... ya know?
I have heard top income earners say, "it's lonely at the top". You've heard that too right? I'm not making this up right? What does that mean? This is programming at it's best. At the end of the day, do these people love themselves and would the people who "follow" them, be by their side if they lost everything? I wonder.
The thing that has allowed me to feel happier and feel joyful again has not been my rank level, more "likes" on Facebook or Instagram, more money or having the latest gadget... it's been loving hugs, genuine heart to heart visits, random-for-no-reason-phone calls, text messages just saying hi or checking in. It's been slowing down and taking care of my own health and filling myself up with love, forgiving myself as well as being in nature, looking at the grandeur of a tree, mountain or river . I was just always "too busy" for that stuff before. And ehemm, I don't have children, so really, what is my excuse? Truth is I glorified "busy". As I type this, I remember friends and family saying they didn’t call because they felt they had to book in an appointment. That was true! That is what I was taught – schedule everyone in. While I get that we all need boundaries and space and some sense of organization, I see now that when it comes to family and friends, a random call or visit is such a gift.
I found it very interesting that when I made the statement that I could no longer be of service to the people I have been working with for the past 6 years and some of them 10 years, that called me a friend, I have not heard from again. Yet, the people I was so ready to toss aside, have reached out and have truly been there for me, because well, they know me. It's all very humbling, and I know and trust that my decisions to make life simpler and commit to some deeper, yet less *exciting* (a word I am presently avoiding) practices, are not only bringing me authentic joy, they are saving my life. My life and even my body look very different from just 4 months ago and I am very ok with slow.
I have a few daily and weekly practices for self-love and care that are non-negotiables now, like: yoga at home, meditation (close eyes, scan body for tension, focus on breath - that's it), NLP & hypnosis, shamanic journeying (wow), journalling my dreams, walks in nature, slow cooked meals and fresh fruit and vegetable smoothies. I know that if I don't find ways to preserve and restore my energy, that I am no good to serve my true self, let alone, serve my family and community. Which is why we are all here right? To co-create? To grow ourselves and to make memories with our true loves? I don't see how life could be fulfilling without true, authentic relationships.
I am grateful today and every day, for the small things, like toilet paper and food in the fridge and a cozy bed and well... breathing is cool. I am in awe of the bigger things, like having a car (I almost cry every time I get in it lately because I took it for granted – and by the way - I practiced my gratitudes every day before this – so go figure!), having a husband who is willing to listen and who tries to understand what I'm going through, and that we have a roof over our head. I slow down and become conscious of my breath and get snuggly with my cat, Ivan when I notice tension in my jaw or my head feels spinny.
Moments with family and friends are beyond precious to me now. I am in love with each morsel of food and glass of water that goes into my body. I am living the life I have always preached about and even though there is a ways to go again with my career and my health…
I accept myself wholeheartedly for who and what I AM today.
Say it with me: I accept myself wholeheartedly for who and what I AM today.
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Hi I'm Tammra
I live in Squamish, BC, Canada and I am uber passionate about holistic well-being, music, art and being playful. Want to know more about me- read my story here.