Whoa- has this seemed like the longest of winters or is it just me? I don’t recall a time in the past when I have heard of so many people being repeatedly sick, feeling quite alone or disconnected, or many, who are used to doing the deep personal work, hitting all-time lows. I also saw much disharmony coming up around relationships and families. Of course, I did see a quickening when the political landscape changed quite drastically and I saw how it sent a pretty significant trigger throughout most of the world. A wake-up call most certainly.
For me, this has been the toughest 4 months of my life as I faced a total immune system crash and because of that, a total life reset on all levels. I have been a lover of the mountains for most of my life, so winters had always been my favorite season. I always loved the idea of hibernating, hearty soups and stews, playing in the snow and warming up by the fire. And even though I could do some of that, my health begged me to stop everything to rest and nourish my body and mind and tune into my soul. I felt as though I was losing everything including my “identity” (hello ego), and I had a less than easy time being grateful for what I had right in front of me.
The more I wallowed, the worse my symptoms would become.
I felt knocked-out. Souled-out. Left-out. Just out of it completely, until I could hardly walk, my body swelled up, my bones and muscles were aching so bad and for the first time in my life I could not go to sleep because of scary heart palpitations. I was sure I was dying. So, I started with a few simple nutritional changes, I intervened my Facebook addiction, I quit my many jobs and removed myself from titles and roles completely. I had to, I was in no place to be holding any kind of space for working with others and their ailments and anxieties. This was not only humbling, it was fundamental for me to heal, like for real, heal myself. And heal I did. I am sure there will always be more healing and more love to receive.
I now have a very different perspective on why the winters of my life are so important and just how much I am going to appreciate and welcome in spring this year. Winter brought in the slowness, the deliberate and the things I simply could no longer ignore. Never have I looked at the darkness in my present life, in my past, in my family lines and in my future, so willingly, so observantly, so compassionately.
Never have I prayed for light and love so resolutely. Winter has taught me to check in with myself and become quiet and listen. It taught me to create sacred space in all areas of my life (indoors – ie kitchen Altar and outdoors, i.e. connecting with the roots of trees and the cleansing power of water). It taught me the incredible value of creating healthy boundaries, not just through words and actions explicitly, but rather, by simply cultivating self-love first, check in with my state and my values, and THEN decide what to do next from THIS place in my being, dropping from my mind to my heart. Easier said than done by the way!
I have learned to be gracious and kind with myself as I learn from the “mis-takes” that have brought me to this moment on my timeline. I am “real-eyesing” that if not for this fertile darker season to really decide what authentic soul-based values guide MY life, how I want to feel and that I have choice in that, I could not truly be appreciative of the lightness, the playfulness and the creativity that is slowly and quite gracefully, coming forth through the warmer temperatures, the sunshine and the longer daylight hours. I am sensing that it would be most wise to be even more aware and present to consciously propagate Acknowledgment and Gratitude BEFORE the coming blessings of Spring arrive. This is the wisdom of The Gardener, is it not?
So, what things can I do to build, nourish and sprout my winter prayers into joy? What values, feelings or states can I anchor into first, before reacting or responding to my environment? Is there left-over stuff that can be composted from my previous Soul-Gardens? What specific seeds are being called for right now?
I call to thee
For my soul
For my pain
For my heart
For all that is
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Hi I'm Tammra
I live in Squamish, BC, Canada and I am uber passionate about holistic well-being, music, art and being playful. Want to know more about me- read my story here.